not exactly a "welcome" mat

Some where along the lines, I lost the passion for blogging.  

I realize, only now, that I stopped writing for myself and that is why it grew to be a burden.  

It's time, though.  I have this twinkling thing inside of me that says it is time to start speaking out the words again.  I'm not often a "self" focused person, but I owe it to myself to collect my thoughts and, often times, prayers here.  There is a lot of freedom when I know I'm writing to appease myself and not because of YOU, the reader.  If you like what I write, great.  If not, move on.  I don't care to impress nor to entertain.  That's not my intent.  

This is a time for me.  For me to be free to think, to fail, to succeed, to process, to pray, to be confused, and at the same time, to have all the answers- right and wrong.  This is my place.  This is my stomping ground.  Tread, if you will.

How the hell did I get here?!

Where I am isn't good. What I do isn't good. The people with whom I do these things aren't good. I'm not in a place that is good.


Where I am is so far superior to good that the words to describe it fail me. I am a part of someone else's Kingdom dream, while also pursuing visions the Spirit has built in my heart. I am surrounded by people who are constantly encouraging and embracing me, but who are not willing to let me become anything less than my God-given potential says I should. I am happy. I am really happy.

Did I expect it to look like this? Not really. I never thought that I would come back to where it all began in order for me to lunge forward into the yearnings and longings of my heart. I never thought that this was a step in reverse, but I certainly didn't think it was a step forward. I guess I thought it was more of an incubator, some sort of purgatory in which I would wait rather hopelessly. I'm glad I was wrong. As the dreams unfold, I sometimes need a moment to recognize that they are exactly that, but once the perspective settles properly, my heart soars.

Over the last few months, I've been "just excited." On more than one occassion I have had the "what are you so EXCITED about?!" conversation. My answer was and still is consistent. "I am just excited about anything and everything." I may not have consistently had the best attitude over this latest duration, but I have to say- I am where I am supposed to be. And, it is exciting.

How did I get here?

A complex answer could flood my explanation, but I will keep it simple:

God is good.