not exactly a "welcome" mat

Some where along the lines, I lost the passion for blogging.  

I realize, only now, that I stopped writing for myself and that is why it grew to be a burden.  

It's time, though.  I have this twinkling thing inside of me that says it is time to start speaking out the words again.  I'm not often a "self" focused person, but I owe it to myself to collect my thoughts and, often times, prayers here.  There is a lot of freedom when I know I'm writing to appease myself and not because of YOU, the reader.  If you like what I write, great.  If not, move on.  I don't care to impress nor to entertain.  That's not my intent.  

This is a time for me.  For me to be free to think, to fail, to succeed, to process, to pray, to be confused, and at the same time, to have all the answers- right and wrong.  This is my place.  This is my stomping ground.  Tread, if you will.

How the hell did I get here?!

Where I am isn't good. What I do isn't good. The people with whom I do these things aren't good. I'm not in a place that is good.


Where I am is so far superior to good that the words to describe it fail me. I am a part of someone else's Kingdom dream, while also pursuing visions the Spirit has built in my heart. I am surrounded by people who are constantly encouraging and embracing me, but who are not willing to let me become anything less than my God-given potential says I should. I am happy. I am really happy.

Did I expect it to look like this? Not really. I never thought that I would come back to where it all began in order for me to lunge forward into the yearnings and longings of my heart. I never thought that this was a step in reverse, but I certainly didn't think it was a step forward. I guess I thought it was more of an incubator, some sort of purgatory in which I would wait rather hopelessly. I'm glad I was wrong. As the dreams unfold, I sometimes need a moment to recognize that they are exactly that, but once the perspective settles properly, my heart soars.

Over the last few months, I've been "just excited." On more than one occassion I have had the "what are you so EXCITED about?!" conversation. My answer was and still is consistent. "I am just excited about anything and everything." I may not have consistently had the best attitude over this latest duration, but I have to say- I am where I am supposed to be. And, it is exciting.

How did I get here?

A complex answer could flood my explanation, but I will keep it simple:

God is good.

Happy to be Here

Do you remember this post, all about how AMAZING the state of Maryland is?  I have been here for 6.5 weeks and have already enjoyed nearly everything on this short list.  Ok, so the four seasons part is a bit of a stretch and anyone around the area right now knows how difficult it is to enjoy this weather we've been having.  I've also not yet accomplished the first item, but the time will come.

Being here has been nothing short of marvelous, wonderful and blessed.  I started working for Grace Adventures Day Camp in the middle of June.  There are a number of new elements at Camp this year, but I have to tell you, I am loving every minute I spend working (and every silly song that is stuck in my head).  Here's a quick promo-vid from our website.

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

Back in April of 2009, I wrote this post about Camp.  I just came across it again this morning and had a nice laugh.  

I am leading worship this summer at my church.  This is a challenge in its own way, but I'm heeding advice from Tom Petty, and I won't back down.  So far, I've mostly just been vision casting, which is something I tend to do well.  The responsibility, authority, practical side of things are also going just fine.  

It has been a hell of a week, but the God I serve is beyond such struggles.  You all know how much I LOVE the 4th of July, but this year wasn't exactly a celebration for our family.  I enjoyed some quality time with a couple of good friends, who only proved their friendship further by leaving our firework venue just moments before the show began so that I could drive over an hour to meet my mother and brother at our local hospital.  Out of privacy, I am not going to share any details here, but at this point, everyone is home and doing just fine.  I am blessed to work with a group of such great people and amazing friends who've been indescribably supportive all week.  Thank you.  And, a thank you to every one else who has been so lovingly concerned and supportive this week.  

Overall, it's been a season unexpected, filled with surprises and gifts.  It's a time of adjustment and acclimation.  It's a time of joy and relief.  It's a time shared, enjoyed, and endured.  It's a time of celebrating and laughing; a time of focusing and persevering.  It's a time honored.  

February 11, 2010 seems it was AGES ago. I can hardly believe it has been over 4 months since we were told Savana wasn't going to survive the night, only for her to miraculously still be alive. She is still in a rehab facility in Lincoln, not yet fully awake from a coma.
Savana is a friend and former student whom I mentored through her high school years; lead on a Missions Trip to Scotland. She turned 20 last month and her wedding would be this coming Saturday. Faith stands, but hearts still ache. If you think of it, please pray for Savana, her fiance Thomas, her family and friends.

If you're curious about how she is, don't be afraid to ask me.

You can read a recent article about the accident and her relationship here

If you are interested in more ways to support Savana's family you can go here.

a patriot afterall

I know, Independence Day is just around the corner, but I couldn't wait that long to share this.

Yesterday, I was explaining the point of the 4th to a European friend. A few statements in, tears streamed my cheeks. I loved living in the land of red and white, but I still have such a pride in being a citizen of the red, white, and blue. There may be a number of topics and issues that I am not happy about in my country right now, but to be an American; growing up with the concept of freedom bred into me, is something for which I am grateful.

And it is at this point that I would like to say thank you to everyone who has made that possible... and maintains the opportunity. Family, friends... brothers, uncles, husbands, moms, dads, sisters, wives, cousins, daughters, sons... thank you and Heaven's blessings upon you.

blog-fail

iiiiiiiiiggghhhhhuuuuuuuuhhhhhh....  pttthhhbbb

I have SO MUCH To. Write. About!! 

phew!  feels good to have that off my chest!

(excessive usage of punctuation for the sake of dialect is a direct result of reading this just prior to writing)*

fizzy meds

You know, there are a lot of things about Austrian and European life that I'm gonna miss.  Today, I'm already missing dissolvable vitamins and aspirin with vitamin C.  I mean, I'm not really a medicine taker, but I could, very easily take an aspirin with vitamin C every day by dropping the little tablet into a glass of chilled water.  or, when I have a stuffy nose, the best medicine is another tablet half the size that works better and faster (and tastes better!) than any other cold medicines I've ever ingested.  the vitamins/minerals are flavored differently.. Multi-Vitamin tastes like citrus juice, Magnesium tastes like pineapple, Vitamin B tastes like something purple.... it's genius, I tell ya!  

I'm gonna miss the little tablets... Yep, I sure am.  

The Deal Remixed!

In the summer of 2008, I worked with Grace Adventures Day Camp in Fulton, MD. That was my last job in America and will be my first job upon re-entry!

A couple weeks ago, I booked my flight to return to the Old Line State. An hour after finishing the booking process, I received an email from one of these former co-workers, asking me if I wanted a job at the camp. Without a second thought, I replied, "YES!"  We are excited.  I cannot yet describe exactly what it is that I will be doing, but it is fixed that I will be working with GADC again this summer.   It is such a joy and an honor to work with this team and I am so looking forward to what the Lord will do in the hearts of the kids this summer, as well as developing within the community.

As I wrote before, my intentions are to stay in MD for the summer. I am researching a few grad school options, and will likely take trips throughout to look into select programs first hand. Other plans: a trip to Harrisburg and Ephrata, PA is already in the works for my first weekend State-side.   A good friend was zealously willing (thanks Tschay!) to take some of my belongings back to the States with him today, and I will go to get these things and to spend time with my friends who are there at the time. These are some of the friends so highly spoken of back in this September 2009 post.. I am working on a trip to NC that will be multi-faceted, as I'll catch up with the Silvas and also check out an appealing masters program in Charlotte which will (HOPEFULLY) include time with Jo... we'll see how it all comes together.

My heart's desire is to invest everything I can into my church family there.  They sent me off with such love and blessing, and I want to return to them as much as I can with everything I've received and learned here.  This is beginning to sort out a little more specifically already, but I can't explain yet how these opportunities will appear.

I hope everyone is a little more satisfied with the details now.  Thanks for being patient!

The Deal

This is the busiest month of the first quarter, so finding time to properly update is not so easy.

Here's the basic outline:

May 26th, I will return to the States. I'll be in Maryland for sure until the end of August. I have to make some mini-trips in the MD area, but other than that, i will be there with my family. I'll be working throughout the summer and readjusting. In August, I will decide about what is next and where to settle - it could be MD, NE, anywhere new, or even returning to Austria, I am completely open.

Job details will have to come later...

The "why" is simple to answer- because it's what the Lord showed me to do. My life here is GREAT and it hurts my heart to be preparing to leave my family and the home that has been created here. I have nothing but love, respect, and honor to reciprocate to Franz, Blast, Exousia, and my dear friends.

Again, more details to come later.

Sorry, I really don't have the time nor the capacity to be more specific. Maybe pray for a revelation and you can get all the details that way?

I Have A Voice

I find advocating the dire needs of human slaves beyond urgent.  

As a Western Culture, we are too far unaware of what is happening in the sex slave industry on a national and international level.  In recent conversation, I was told, "..there are no REAL slaves any more."  It was then argued that if slavery DOES exist today, then it only exists in the developing countries.  However, it is the wealthier nations that provide the capital for such a crime; a crime that is predicted over take international drug trade within the decade.

*Some facts:

Human trafficking is the world's  THIRD largest crime industry!

The rate of Human Trafficking is INCREASING!

It is argued that as many as 60,000 people are trafficked into the US every year!

Estimates in 2005 say that human trafficking had annual profits of $31.6 billion!

80% of human trafficking victims are women and children.

Human trafficking is an issue that is difficult to track and prosecute, lending even greater room for growth.  It is a very real problem in today's global society.  A number of non-profit advocacy programs around the world are doing their best to raise awareness of this social injustice and to provide a means for decreasing and eventually ending this criminal activity.  

If you are interested in taking action, check the following websites.  Though only sources in CA and DC are provided, I ASSURE you that there are agencies in every state and major international city.

In CA:

http://www.castla.org/

http://www.bpsos.org/

In DC: 

http://www.breakthechaincampaigndc.org/

http://www.ayudainc.org/pages/page.cfm?id=1

http://www.polarisproject.org/

If you are interested more specifically in the domestic issues of prostitution, please contact my friend Laurie Ishii, founder of After Hours Ministry.

*All facts were gathered from the following websites:

http://www.thefuturegroup.org/id20.html

http://www.worldvision.ca/ContentArchives/content-stories/Pages/human-trafficking-statistics-global-and-canadian.aspx

http://www.humantraffickinged.com/

WOOP!

*This post is dedicated to Crystal and Luis Muñoz*

The Lord is so indescribably good.  I'm sure I've started former blog posts with that same sentence, but it is still so mind-blowingly TRUE!  

  

When the Holy Spirit asked me, "Who owns your visions?" my answer was so easily exclaimed, "You do!"  

His next question, "Then why do you hold such tight fists around those dreams?"

My second answer contradicted the former, "Because I don't want them taken away from me?"  

"I thought they were mine, in the first place?  Mine to grow, develop, and change?"  

"They are, Daddy.  Or, at least, I want them to be."  

"Now we're on to something."

Since that honest conversation, Jeshua and I have been prying my fingers apart.  Some visions were easier to let go of than others, but all are equally dear to my heart.  As the Lord has been developing this sense of "being" rather than "doing" in me, the intentions of visions and dreams has been altered.  

My identity is not in what I do or what I am capable of.  Ok.  Great.  That lesson I get.  My identity will not be in what I accomplish.  I thought I got that lesson, too; after all, it's the same as the previous lesson, right?  Nope.  Not for me.

In retrospect, I realize I've been arguing with God all along about the progression of these visions.  I'd beg Him to release them and bring life into those visions and then I'd turn around and hide them under a rock so no harm could be done.  The last months have been dedicated to really letting go of my visions.  The Lord has visions for me and what I call "my visions" are certainly good things, and things I DO believe are of Him, from Him, and for Him.  Those things are not just passing thoughts and ideas I've had.  Letting go of these visions is not giving up on them.  It's letting them grow and develop the way the Lord wants them to.  It's being willing to let them appear as something perhaps entirely different from what I have imagined.  That doesn't mean the vision is less there or that it has died.  It means peeling off my limited perspective of binding expectations.  

I was talking with a faithful friend about this topic early this morning.  Clenching my fists together, I demonstrated how I offered my visions to the Lord as a sacrifice just some months ago.  

"You can have my dreams, but you're gonna have to cut my hands off in order to get to them!"  

I may be wincing from time to time, but now my hands are open more than not.

Now that I've so boldly written that, I'm sure I'll begin to understand how far I've yet to go...

lessons to learn

The last month has been one of the most difficult months I can recall.  In overview, I've experienced multiple deaths, the near loss of a friend and former student, "unpassing" (the word used by the department head) a major exam, and a number of other little pieces that have simply fallen apart.  I've learned quite a few lessons throughout this time, but here are the first 10 that I can think of.

1.  Having a most difficult season does not require having a most terrible attitude.

2.  The wilderness doesn't last forever.

3.  Having patience is not the same as being patient.

4.  My concept of timing is far different from the Lord's.

5.  Obedience is always always ALWAYS the best response.

6.  Repentance is one of the coolest, most radical aspects of a life with Jesus.

7.  Refined faith is not perfected faith.

8.  A lack of finances is not a lack of wealth and blessing.

9.  The presence of the loving, everlasting God is more than enough.

10.  Worship as a decision often needs to be re-decided... that super cool repentance comes into play again here.

Ahh, life is just so fun..... 

Thanksgiving Pictures!

AHCK!  I owe you all a TON of pictures!  

Here are some from our fabulous Thanksgiving.  You can read about the celebration here.

Enjoy!

The American cooking team, minus Dylan.  

The Austrian talking to his imaginary friend was mostly just there for entertainment. 

;-)  schmäh..wir haben di lieb!*

We streamed the parade from a street webcam- no announcers, but plenty of parade!*

If you'll recall, our whole turkey was a whopping 35 lbs; I managed to prepare the Halfurkey (which was still GINORMOUS)....*

....in this little guy!*

(find the dramatic explanation here!)

Proud (or was that anxious?) cooks!

Dylan should have been in this picture- he was my strong halfurkey rotator all morning.*

At this point, we were more impressed that we managed to move the Halfurkey without breaking any utensils.

It was all about presentation.....**

(veggie platter credit to Jason B.)

(egg platter credit to Kady K. and me!)

With the help of a super decorator, this was our beautiful spread...*

Jason is now a master Halfurkey carver!**

And Kady is a master pie baker!

Left to right: we had apple, peanut butter, and pumpkin.**

This pumpkin roll managed to travel over from America the week before...

it's amazing how well vacuum sealed freezer bags work!*

Photos by *Dylan Krause and **Jason Burmeister.

Alien Revival

Well, welcome to 2010!  I know, delayed entry, but still... I AM happy that 2010 is here!

2010 has so many promises of hope and blessing.  This is a great year and the Lord has ALREADY done so much!  2010 is a year of double portion (2) and righteousness (10)!!  How exciting is that?

Coming into this year, I was challenged by some local friends/missionaries to ask God for some goals for 2010.  I'm NOT a "resolution" maker, but I can set goals.  Especially when it means setting goals with a LIMITLESS God!  Every goal that passed through my mind or I jotted down didn't seem big enough.  I felt like they were good starting points, as if the Holy Spirit were to say, "okay, yeah, that's a good topic that I LOVE, but let's get a bigger goal for it, okay?"  Uhh... *gulp*  SURE THING!!

I'm not intending to share my goals with you, yet.  Not all of them, anyway.  A basic goal is communication.  2010 is going to be a year of communication changes.  

I've been spending more time communicating with my loved ones in the last weeks, than I have in the last year and a half.  I think my loved ones appreciate it as I've been keeping up with it pretty well, so far.  I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.  On one hand, it does a great deal of good to talk with my family and friends, but the more I talk to them, the more I miss them.  So, I think I'd rather just be "out of sight, out of mind" than reminding myself over and over again that I just don't know when I will be in America next.  It truly has been refreshing to share life so regularly with you all again.  Be patient with me, as you await your time for my phone call.  I'll get around to you, eventually.  ;-)

Right now, I've been hittin' the books big time.  A quick review- I am here on a Student Visa and through the University, all Non-native German Speakers are required to pass a proficiency exam (similar to TOEFL) within the first 3 semesters of study.  During my last 3 semesters, I've been enrolled in an intensive German language course.  I will be taking this proficiency exam beginning on Feb. 1st.  Provided I pass the first portion (written), I will then go on to take the oral exam a week later.  My future in the Austrian University system is riding on this exam, which means my current and future visas are riding on this exam, as well as my insurance.  I have to say, in personal evaluation, I have grown exponentially in my German skills.  I went from a few cute phrases at the beginning, to being able to understand nearly everything and to be able to respond in German.  I cannot watch everything, but I can watch a handful of movies in German, and I am able to translate decently between the two languages for conversations.  My recent translation challenges have, indeed, been challenging- translating entire church services into English.  My goal is NOT to be able to translate, but translating does mark a certain skill level.  The day I can translate an entire service into German will be worth celebrating!  I'll let you know when the day comes.  Again, in self-reflection, I am proud of myself and am grateful that the Lord has helped me adopt the language so well in such a short amount of time.  This exam next week is a bit more particular than speaking with friends and teenagers, so we'll see how it goes.  My confidence isn't necessarily building as I study, but my courage is.  It will be good to have this exam over with and be able to move on.  

WHAT will I move on to?  I'm not sure yet.  I am looking into some different course options that are potentially transferable back to an American University.  In other words, I plan to take some classes that are effective toward my intended Masters Program.  Which, I am not at this time disclosing publicly.  But, I bet that some of you could probably guess!!  Yeah, guess- go for it; this will be a fun game!!

What's going on within ministry?  SO MUCH!  Every time I turn around, the Lord is doing another great work.  I am constantly overtaken by His ability to Love something... someone... to redemption.  It's all about relationship.

My interactions in Graz are most consistently with the other international students at my school.  I LOVE these people.  I love that the one thing we have in common is that we are all foreigners here.  I've had the awesome blessing of sharing the Gospel with a number of my classmates throughout the last 3 semesters.  

One in particular, from China, borrowed my copy of Brother Yun's, "The Heavenly Man."  This classmate saw me reading it in the hallway while I was waiting for our class to begin.  He asked me what it was about and I explained that it is the testimony of a Chinese man who loves Jesus.  My classmate was perplexed by even the idea o a Chinese many loving Jesus, so he asked if he could borrow the book.  UH! YEAH!  A couple weeks later, he returned the book and asked how much of it is true.  I was able to explain to him that the entire story is true and that God really is just that worth loving.  He didn't really want to hear much more, but he was touched deeply by the devotion.  I've not given up on this classmate. 

Another girl cannot believe that I am a Christian.  When we first met, I still wore my eye brow piercing and she could see the tattoo on my foot.  One afternoon, we went for lunch together with a couple of others.  When I ordered a beer, she was in even more shock.  She asked me, almost every day for the entire first semester, "Are you SURE you're a Christian?"  In time, she grew to trust me and began to share her needs, very real needs, with me.  It used to be that she would tell me AFTER a major circumstance went poorly in her life.  Now, she tells me BEFORE the circumstance has time to play out, because she knows that I will pray for her and that my God will respond.  Seeing the Lord's faithful touch in her life assures me that He is faithful to my life, as well.  She brings me to tears on a regular basis.  She hasn't chosen the Truth for herself, yet, but I've also not given up on her.  

As I said, the absolute most obvious factor that my classmates and I have in common is that we are all foreign to this place.  Grasping the notion that I am an alien to this world, this is a wide open door for me to share with my classmates.  Some of them think I am crazy, and I am a little bit, but they all have grown to like and trust me.  This isn't because of me, but because of the Spirit I can share with them.  These are people coming from strong religious backgrounds- some Muslim, some Hindu, some Catholic, and some very much involved in new age esoteric beliefs.  They all, however, have seen God... my God... respond in love and grace in my life.  I've been asked where my energy and life comes from... they wonder why I have courage and enthusiasm even in the worst of days.  They ask me how I dare to smile when everything around me tells me I shouldn't.  

It's a testimony of who the I AM is and what it means to know that I am I AM's.  The Kingdom in me is life altering.  The Spirit gives without measure.  God is Love, Life, and Truth.  

What more do I need in order to change a city?  Love smothered faith and obedience.

And THAT is why I have enormous goals for 2010.  

Mark 12:29-31 (New King James)

29 Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. ³⁰ And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’This is the first commandment. ³¹ And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” 

Those were only two small glances into what's happening here.  Revival IS coming to Austria!  Kids are being healed and coming to know Jesus.  Hearts and homes are being restored.  It's not an easy endeavor for us, but it is an easy pleasure for God, who is doing it!  More testimonies will come.  

The Exousia worship CD is well underway.  We've still got some tracking work to do and within a few weeks, everything will be sent off to be mastered and produced.  I'm very pleased with how the project is working out at this point.  A great purpose of this CD is to get more German worship music out there.  Everything on the CD is original and is about 60:40, German:English.  I'll let you know as soon as it is available.  

There are also some big events/meetings mixed in with the normal stuff coming up in the next 2 months.

Here's a run down for you...please be praying!  

February- (technically a month off)

1 & 8:  Proficiency Exams

12: Vinex meeting

19-22:  Worship Rehearsal for Balkan Women's Conference

March-

5:  Vinex Meeting

9-15:  Women's Conference in Sarajevo

18-21:  Blast Advanced School with the topic of Worship

26-28:  Youth Retreat- Vinex + Up with Bryan Leach and other LCMI guests  (www.lcmi.org)